My dear friend, Normandie, is writing a book on modern feminism, especially feminism within Mormon culture. She asked me for my thoughts and well, I was happy to comply. The following is what I sent to her:
In my grandmother’s bathroom, there is a sign that reads: “a woman without a man is like a
fish without a bicycle.” You could say that feminism pumps and pulses through my veins. Two of my grandmothers (I have three) and one of my grandfathers participated in Women Liberation movements in the 1970s. And all three of my grandmothers are strong,
independent, and modern. They are women of a generation which believed
womanhood meant homemaker, wife, mother, nurse, caretaker, and housekeeper. However, my grandmothers knew that womanhood meant more. They were outstanding homemakers, wives, and mothers, but were also intelligent,
strong, ambitious, educated, bold, and compassionate. Humans are endowed with powerful tools for social change; men and women alike. We may have different strengths and weaknesses, but we are not unequal. Our different qualities do not make us inferior—or even superior—to each other, but jointly important. My grandmothers understood that.
The first, Treva, born in 1926, received her first Master’s degree in Psychology in 1963 and
her second in Fine Arts in 2000. She was what you could call a Renaissance
woman: she writes, paints, draws, and reads. She collects Eurasian artifacts and
the walls in her house are filled with books about anything from
travel to medicine to gender empowerment. Her wealth of knowledge allows her to
talk to nearly anyone about anything, any subject, any place, any field of study.
With all the books she reads, one could call her an “eternal student.” I have never
met anyone wiser. Anyone who meets her applauds her for her sharp mind and
quick wit.
The second, Lynn, born in 1930, has a degree in English. Her house is also filled with
books, magazines, and paintings. If you meet my grandmother and talk with her, you will discover the greatness of her mind. She inspires you to read more and know more so you can keep up with her. And yet she is constantly lamenting that her memory is “not what it used to
be.” Between you and me, she still has one of the sharpest minds in the world. She has an
astonishing memory for details; she remembers everything: stories, facts, literature, poetry, history, languages, and art.
If her mind is truly “not what is used to be,” I am a bit fearful of the woman
she was forty years ago. And to be honest, I do not think I can remember a family
Scrabble game where she didn't win.
The third, Colleen, was born in 1932 in Provo, Utah. However, she is not your typical
Mormon housewife. Sure, she bakes, she cooks, she still keeps an impeccable
house, but she is so much more. When she was eighteen, nearly all her Provo
High School girl friends were married. But not my grandmother. She had a
part-time job at a pharmacy and was enrolled at BYU. She was charismatic,
charming, witty, and absolutely stunning. On the weekends, she loved being free and out on the town and seeing her high school friends, with a baby on
their hips, watching her with jealousy. She loved it. She vowed to have a
career and to never marry. When she met my grandfather and he promised her the
world, she hesitantly agreed. He allowed her to finish her degree and then
together they lived and traveled all over the world. My grandfather soon learned
that his wife’s free spirit could not be caged. She always did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
My own mother is as intelligent and as strong as her predecessors. She has a JD and is an
absolute news junkie. I’m pretty sure she knows more about the conflict in
Syria and the politics of Venezuela than the Secretary of State. She is also strong. My
brother has autism; he will never be able to fully take care of himself. When
he was diagnosed, my mother gave up her career, her love for law and for working,
to be a mother. Raising him is a daily struggle, but she has persevered through
tantrums at the grocery store, shoes thrown out of car windows, self-shaved
scalps, and fires in the backyard. She is exceptional.
So yes, I am a feminist. Coming from a line of empowered women, how could I not be? I
believe women are equal to men. I believe that women are entitled to equal
respect and equal opportunities. However, women are not the same as men. And
never should be. I am irked that in order to gain respect in business or
politics, women often have to be like men. To taken seriousky we have to dress more
masculine, have a severe haircut, and hide our femininity In the workplace. If we wear flattering office dresses that hug our curves and bright lipstick that makes us look pretty, then were overlooked in serious conversation. We are overlooked as superficial women who are there to look good, but not contribute intellectually--because beauty means no brains. We make up for this by being more aggressive and more assertive than our male counterparts. And then, of course, the pendulum swings the other way and we're called bossy or bitchy. so we revert back to shorter hair and looser pant suits. This is a sad reality because a woman’s strength is her feminity. It
differentiates us from men and that is vital. I do not expect a woman to do the
job of a CEO the same as a man; she should do the job as a
woman. Society needs women in those positions—not because it is "correct"—because we
need the influence of women.
I do not necessarily subscribe to the idea that women are more emotional than men. Maybe
we are, maybe we are not. I think it may vary person to person, disregarding
gender. Perhaps women are merely better at articulating our emotions and thus we seem more emotional. I don’t know. However,
I do know that women possess a tenderness that is unique to our sex. We have an
innate ability for empathy, for compassion, and for love. These are gifts of motherhood. Whether or not we have children does not matter, all women
are endowed with this power. It is this quality that is vital to the success of
society. The world needs women in
business, in government, in higher education, and in leadership. I fear
sounding like J.K. Rowling when I say this, but the ability to love is the most
powerful force in the world. Women have that ability. Men have the innate ability to love too, of course, but men tend to compartmentalize emotions from business. Women don't, we blend it all together and our emotions coupled with logic guide our decisions. Society needs this kind of thinking included in our decisionmaking processes. Research (thanks to
Valerie Hudson) shows that when women are involved in decisionmaking in
government, a country is better off economically, socially, and politically. A
government is more secure and stable when there are high rates of female political participation.
I am a feminist because morally it is right and because it is logically sound. Around
some (most?) students at BYU, when you say the word “feminist,” a certain image
is conjured: a grunge-y girl with long, unkept hair, hippie clothes, no bra,
hairy legs, and a deep hatred for men. This woman is likely to be offended at
the thought of a man opening a door for her, paying for her meal, or complimenting
her beauty. She is fighting for the right to wear pants to church and to hold
the priesthood. And yes, this picture is not unwarranted. However, this is only
one branch of feminism. There are other, broader definitions. In fact—and this
is shocking to many boys at BYU—men can be feminists too. Finally, to those who
think that sexism is in the past—a storyline for an episode of
Mad Men, but not today’s reality—look around.
In Mormon culture, we strain the importance of family, of fatherhood, and of motherhood.
We are often criticized for our traditional, patriarchal society as oppressive
to women. And if it is, then that is an unfortunate cultural practice, not a
doctrinal belief. In the Church, men and women are equal. We may have different
roles, but we are equal. Most importantly, we are entitled to the same
exaltation. In the next life, women and men will receive the same glory and
blessings. Gender in no way inhibits eternal salvation. The grace of God saves
us as equals.
Is there still room for improvement in how we practice gender equality in the church? Yes. Are there things I would like to see changed? Yes. Do I think we should have women in non-priesthood callings that have been traditionally only male for inconcievable reasons beyond tradition? Yes. But are women lesser than men in the eyes of our Heavenly Father? Absolutely not.
Finally, I do not pretend that motherhood is not a stressed priority for women in the Church.
I have sat through enough Relief Society lessons to know that motherhood is a “divine
gift” and a “blessed miracle.” As cynical as I can be about it, it is true. I
believe that motherhood is our gift and calling in this life or in the next. If the world is trying to
marginalize the importance of motherhood, infer that it is old-fashioned or
out-dated, or that it is a man’s trap, then shame on the world. Motherhood is
divine; it is sacred. However, it is not our only gift or our only calling.
There is more. A woman is more. I cringe any time I hear a young woman say that
she “
just wants to be a mom.” To be
just a mom is to reject your potential. It
is like removing one book from the bookcase and then throwing the rest
away. And yes, a mother is a nurse, a teacher, a therapist, a cook, a mentor, and many more. However, if
you’re thirty-five and all you have to talk about at parties is your children
and how you recently redecorated your house, you are not meeting your
potential. Have hobbies, interests, ambitions, passions, and talents. Be
interesting. Be deep. Be accomplished. God has given you the skills, use them.
I am a feminist because I believe in women’s role in pacifying the world. Our attuned
intuition and aptitude for tenderness and love do not make us weak, but give us
power. And the world needs that power.
