Tomorrow's the day. Tomorrow morning I enter the operating room and come out eight hours later with a piece of my pancreas missing. Goodbye Georg, it's been fun. Then, it's into the ICU for two days and the surgery ward for two weeks after that. If I could explain the mix of emotions I'm feeling right now, I would. However, even I am confounded by how I feel.
Pray for me. Think of me. Text me funny things over the next few weeks, I could use it.
And on a happier note, my sister shared with me the best blog in the entire world: Des hommes et des chatons. Meaning, men and cats. The two most glorious things in the world. Here's a little preview:
And enjoy the rest here: http://deshommesetdeschatons.tumblr.com/
Best wishes and love to all.
08 May 2013
07 May 2013
Still Fighting for Women's Lib:
My dear friend, Normandie, is writing a book on modern feminism, especially feminism within Mormon culture. She asked me for my thoughts and well, I was happy to comply. The following is what I sent to her:
In my grandmother’s bathroom, there is a sign that reads: “a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” You could say that feminism pumps and pulses through my veins. Two of my grandmothers (I have three) and one of my grandfathers participated in Women Liberation movements in the 1970s. And all three of my grandmothers are strong, independent, and modern. They are women of a generation which believed womanhood meant homemaker, wife, mother, nurse, caretaker, and housekeeper. However, my grandmothers knew that womanhood meant more. They were outstanding homemakers, wives, and mothers, but were also intelligent, strong, ambitious, educated, bold, and compassionate. Humans are endowed with powerful tools for social change; men and women alike. We may have different strengths and weaknesses, but we are not unequal. Our different qualities do not make us inferior—or even superior—to each other, but jointly important. My grandmothers understood that.
The first, Treva, born in 1926, received her first Master’s degree in Psychology in 1963 and her second in Fine Arts in 2000. She was what you could call a Renaissance woman: she writes, paints, draws, and reads. She collects Eurasian artifacts and the walls in her house are filled with books about anything from travel to medicine to gender empowerment. Her wealth of knowledge allows her to talk to nearly anyone about anything, any subject, any place, any field of study. With all the books she reads, one could call her an “eternal student.” I have never met anyone wiser. Anyone who meets her applauds her for her sharp mind and quick wit.
The second, Lynn, born in 1930, has a degree in English. Her house is also filled with books, magazines, and paintings. If you meet my grandmother and talk with her, you will discover the greatness of her mind. She inspires you to read more and know more so you can keep up with her. And yet she is constantly lamenting that her memory is “not what it used to be.” Between you and me, she still has one of the sharpest minds in the world. She has an astonishing memory for details; she remembers everything: stories, facts, literature, poetry, history, languages, and art. If her mind is truly “not what is used to be,” I am a bit fearful of the woman she was forty years ago. And to be honest, I do not think I can remember a family Scrabble game where she didn't win.
The third, Colleen, was born in 1932 in Provo, Utah. However, she is not your typical Mormon housewife. Sure, she bakes, she cooks, she still keeps an impeccable house, but she is so much more. When she was eighteen, nearly all her Provo High School girl friends were married. But not my grandmother. She had a part-time job at a pharmacy and was enrolled at BYU. She was charismatic, charming, witty, and absolutely stunning. On the weekends, she loved being free and out on the town and seeing her high school friends, with a baby on their hips, watching her with jealousy. She loved it. She vowed to have a career and to never marry. When she met my grandfather and he promised her the world, she hesitantly agreed. He allowed her to finish her degree and then together they lived and traveled all over the world. My grandfather soon learned that his wife’s free spirit could not be caged. She always did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
My own mother is as intelligent and as strong as her predecessors. She has a JD and is an absolute news junkie. I’m pretty sure she knows more about the conflict in Syria and the politics of Venezuela than the Secretary of State. She is also strong. My brother has autism; he will never be able to fully take care of himself. When he was diagnosed, my mother gave up her career, her love for law and for working, to be a mother. Raising him is a daily struggle, but she has persevered through tantrums at the grocery store, shoes thrown out of car windows, self-shaved scalps, and fires in the backyard. She is exceptional.
So yes, I am a feminist. Coming from a line of empowered women, how could I not be? I
believe women are equal to men. I believe that women are entitled to equal
respect and equal opportunities. However, women are not the same as men. And
never should be. I am irked that in order to gain respect in business or
politics, women often have to be like men. To taken seriousky we have to dress more
masculine, have a severe haircut, and hide our femininity In the workplace. If we wear flattering office dresses that hug our curves and bright lipstick that makes us look pretty, then were overlooked in serious conversation. We are overlooked as superficial women who are there to look good, but not contribute intellectually--because beauty means no brains. We make up for this by being more aggressive and more assertive than our male counterparts. And then, of course, the pendulum swings the other way and we're called bossy or bitchy. so we revert back to shorter hair and looser pant suits. This is a sad reality because a woman’s strength is her feminity. It
differentiates us from men and that is vital. I do not expect a woman to do the
job of a CEO the same as a man; she should do the job as a woman. Society needs women in those positions—not because it is "correct"—because we need the influence of women.
I do not necessarily subscribe to the idea that women are more emotional than men. Maybe we are, maybe we are not. I think it may vary person to person, disregarding gender. Perhaps women are merely better at articulating our emotions and thus we seem more emotional. I don’t know. However, I do know that women possess a tenderness that is unique to our sex. We have an innate ability for empathy, for compassion, and for love. These are gifts of motherhood. Whether or not we have children does not matter, all women are endowed with this power. It is this quality that is vital to the success of society. The world needs women in business, in government, in higher education, and in leadership. I fear sounding like J.K. Rowling when I say this, but the ability to love is the most powerful force in the world. Women have that ability. Men have the innate ability to love too, of course, but men tend to compartmentalize emotions from business. Women don't, we blend it all together and our emotions coupled with logic guide our decisions. Society needs this kind of thinking included in our decisionmaking processes. Research (thanks to Valerie Hudson) shows that when women are involved in decisionmaking in government, a country is better off economically, socially, and politically. A government is more secure and stable when there are high rates of female political participation.
In my grandmother’s bathroom, there is a sign that reads: “a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” You could say that feminism pumps and pulses through my veins. Two of my grandmothers (I have three) and one of my grandfathers participated in Women Liberation movements in the 1970s. And all three of my grandmothers are strong, independent, and modern. They are women of a generation which believed womanhood meant homemaker, wife, mother, nurse, caretaker, and housekeeper. However, my grandmothers knew that womanhood meant more. They were outstanding homemakers, wives, and mothers, but were also intelligent, strong, ambitious, educated, bold, and compassionate. Humans are endowed with powerful tools for social change; men and women alike. We may have different strengths and weaknesses, but we are not unequal. Our different qualities do not make us inferior—or even superior—to each other, but jointly important. My grandmothers understood that.
The first, Treva, born in 1926, received her first Master’s degree in Psychology in 1963 and her second in Fine Arts in 2000. She was what you could call a Renaissance woman: she writes, paints, draws, and reads. She collects Eurasian artifacts and the walls in her house are filled with books about anything from travel to medicine to gender empowerment. Her wealth of knowledge allows her to talk to nearly anyone about anything, any subject, any place, any field of study. With all the books she reads, one could call her an “eternal student.” I have never met anyone wiser. Anyone who meets her applauds her for her sharp mind and quick wit.
The second, Lynn, born in 1930, has a degree in English. Her house is also filled with books, magazines, and paintings. If you meet my grandmother and talk with her, you will discover the greatness of her mind. She inspires you to read more and know more so you can keep up with her. And yet she is constantly lamenting that her memory is “not what it used to be.” Between you and me, she still has one of the sharpest minds in the world. She has an astonishing memory for details; she remembers everything: stories, facts, literature, poetry, history, languages, and art. If her mind is truly “not what is used to be,” I am a bit fearful of the woman she was forty years ago. And to be honest, I do not think I can remember a family Scrabble game where she didn't win.
The third, Colleen, was born in 1932 in Provo, Utah. However, she is not your typical Mormon housewife. Sure, she bakes, she cooks, she still keeps an impeccable house, but she is so much more. When she was eighteen, nearly all her Provo High School girl friends were married. But not my grandmother. She had a part-time job at a pharmacy and was enrolled at BYU. She was charismatic, charming, witty, and absolutely stunning. On the weekends, she loved being free and out on the town and seeing her high school friends, with a baby on their hips, watching her with jealousy. She loved it. She vowed to have a career and to never marry. When she met my grandfather and he promised her the world, she hesitantly agreed. He allowed her to finish her degree and then together they lived and traveled all over the world. My grandfather soon learned that his wife’s free spirit could not be caged. She always did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
My own mother is as intelligent and as strong as her predecessors. She has a JD and is an absolute news junkie. I’m pretty sure she knows more about the conflict in Syria and the politics of Venezuela than the Secretary of State. She is also strong. My brother has autism; he will never be able to fully take care of himself. When he was diagnosed, my mother gave up her career, her love for law and for working, to be a mother. Raising him is a daily struggle, but she has persevered through tantrums at the grocery store, shoes thrown out of car windows, self-shaved scalps, and fires in the backyard. She is exceptional.
I do not necessarily subscribe to the idea that women are more emotional than men. Maybe we are, maybe we are not. I think it may vary person to person, disregarding gender. Perhaps women are merely better at articulating our emotions and thus we seem more emotional. I don’t know. However, I do know that women possess a tenderness that is unique to our sex. We have an innate ability for empathy, for compassion, and for love. These are gifts of motherhood. Whether or not we have children does not matter, all women are endowed with this power. It is this quality that is vital to the success of society. The world needs women in business, in government, in higher education, and in leadership. I fear sounding like J.K. Rowling when I say this, but the ability to love is the most powerful force in the world. Women have that ability. Men have the innate ability to love too, of course, but men tend to compartmentalize emotions from business. Women don't, we blend it all together and our emotions coupled with logic guide our decisions. Society needs this kind of thinking included in our decisionmaking processes. Research (thanks to Valerie Hudson) shows that when women are involved in decisionmaking in government, a country is better off economically, socially, and politically. A government is more secure and stable when there are high rates of female political participation.
I am a feminist because morally it is right and because it is logically sound. Around
some (most?) students at BYU, when you say the word “feminist,” a certain image
is conjured: a grunge-y girl with long, unkept hair, hippie clothes, no bra,
hairy legs, and a deep hatred for men. This woman is likely to be offended at
the thought of a man opening a door for her, paying for her meal, or complimenting
her beauty. She is fighting for the right to wear pants to church and to hold
the priesthood. And yes, this picture is not unwarranted. However, this is only
one branch of feminism. There are other, broader definitions. In fact—and this
is shocking to many boys at BYU—men can be feminists too. Finally, to those who
think that sexism is in the past—a storyline for an episode of Mad Men, but not today’s reality—look around.
In Mormon culture, we strain the importance of family, of fatherhood, and of motherhood. We are often criticized for our traditional, patriarchal society as oppressive to women. And if it is, then that is an unfortunate cultural practice, not a doctrinal belief. In the Church, men and women are equal. We may have different roles, but we are equal. Most importantly, we are entitled to the same exaltation. In the next life, women and men will receive the same glory and blessings. Gender in no way inhibits eternal salvation. The grace of God saves us as equals.
In Mormon culture, we strain the importance of family, of fatherhood, and of motherhood. We are often criticized for our traditional, patriarchal society as oppressive to women. And if it is, then that is an unfortunate cultural practice, not a doctrinal belief. In the Church, men and women are equal. We may have different roles, but we are equal. Most importantly, we are entitled to the same exaltation. In the next life, women and men will receive the same glory and blessings. Gender in no way inhibits eternal salvation. The grace of God saves us as equals.
Is there still room for improvement in how we practice gender equality in the church? Yes. Are there things I would like to see changed? Yes. Do I think we should have women in non-priesthood callings that have been traditionally only male for inconcievable reasons beyond tradition? Yes. But are women lesser than men in the eyes of our Heavenly Father? Absolutely not.
Finally, I do not pretend that motherhood is not a stressed priority for women in the Church. I have sat through enough Relief Society lessons to know that motherhood is a “divine gift” and a “blessed miracle.” As cynical as I can be about it, it is true. I believe that motherhood is our gift and calling in this life or in the next. If the world is trying to marginalize the importance of motherhood, infer that it is old-fashioned or out-dated, or that it is a man’s trap, then shame on the world. Motherhood is divine; it is sacred. However, it is not our only gift or our only calling. There is more. A woman is more. I cringe any time I hear a young woman say that she “just wants to be a mom.” To be just a mom is to reject your potential. It is like removing one book from the bookcase and then throwing the rest away. And yes, a mother is a nurse, a teacher, a therapist, a cook, a mentor, and many more. However, if you’re thirty-five and all you have to talk about at parties is your children and how you recently redecorated your house, you are not meeting your potential. Have hobbies, interests, ambitions, passions, and talents. Be interesting. Be deep. Be accomplished. God has given you the skills, use them. I am a feminist because I believe in women’s role in pacifying the world. Our attuned intuition and aptitude for tenderness and love do not make us weak, but give us power. And the world needs that power.
Finally, I do not pretend that motherhood is not a stressed priority for women in the Church. I have sat through enough Relief Society lessons to know that motherhood is a “divine gift” and a “blessed miracle.” As cynical as I can be about it, it is true. I believe that motherhood is our gift and calling in this life or in the next. If the world is trying to marginalize the importance of motherhood, infer that it is old-fashioned or out-dated, or that it is a man’s trap, then shame on the world. Motherhood is divine; it is sacred. However, it is not our only gift or our only calling. There is more. A woman is more. I cringe any time I hear a young woman say that she “just wants to be a mom.” To be just a mom is to reject your potential. It is like removing one book from the bookcase and then throwing the rest away. And yes, a mother is a nurse, a teacher, a therapist, a cook, a mentor, and many more. However, if you’re thirty-five and all you have to talk about at parties is your children and how you recently redecorated your house, you are not meeting your potential. Have hobbies, interests, ambitions, passions, and talents. Be interesting. Be deep. Be accomplished. God has given you the skills, use them. I am a feminist because I believe in women’s role in pacifying the world. Our attuned intuition and aptitude for tenderness and love do not make us weak, but give us power. And the world needs that power.
06 May 2013
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives:
My friend recently told me that my life resembled the life of someone on Days of Our Lives: romantic weekends with foreign lovers, operations on rare tumors, and travels to exotic places. All I need now is a hot male nurse/doctor to fall in love with me while I'm in the hospital. Maybe we can have a steamy affair in the middle of the night in the nurse's break room. And then we'll run away together at the end of the summer and marry in Monaco.
Well, a girl can dream.
Well, a girl can dream.
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| Mmm a young George Clooney could definitely speed along my recovery. Although ER reruns will probably have to suffice. |
26 April 2013
New York City adores me and I adore it:
A month ago, I traveled with my lovely Model United Nations team to spend four days in a grueling academic conference and five days roaming the city doing whatever we pleased. My bedmate and instant friend, Elisabeth, became my travel companion. Both of us had been to New York City previously, so all the top tourist sites were already checked off the list. Thus, together we mastered the subway system, sought out the best brunch places, toured museums, visited fancy parks, and wore our poshest trench coats around the city.
Below are the highlights:
Below are the highlights:
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| New York's men in blue at the St. Patrick's Day parade. |
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| Bagpipers at the parade. (But wait, bagpipers are Scottish, not Irish. Whatever, they're cool.) |
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| Obligatory Times Square picture post Latin clubbing. Thanks Carlos. |
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| Bloomingdale's and their live models. |
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| This is what I hope heaven looks like. Argosy Used Books. |
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| Don Draper hunting on Madison Avenue. |
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| Next trip: Athens. |
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| Teddy Roosevelt and me hanging outside the Met. |
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| An imported Egyptian tomb. Imhotep? |
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| Hello, Marie Antoinette. |
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| Gourmet macaroni and cheese. I could eat this all day. |
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| My boys. |
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| Meet Adam, representing Morocco, and our best delegate. |
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| Posh bar with my German love. |
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| Literally winning every award they offer. |
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| UN Headquarters. |
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| Central Park. Yes, Serena and Chuck were here. |
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| Meatpacking District's skyline. |
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| The city suits me. |
10 March 2013
Georg is coming out!
For all of you who have been following my medical saga, the surgery is on again. It is scheduled for May 7th at Oregon Health and Science University in Portland. In two months, I will be cut open and my sweet, but pesty tumor, Georg, will be scooped out. Goodbye to my perfectly formed stomach, hello five-inch scar. I will be in the hospital two to four weeks after the surgery and then resting at home for the rest of the summer.
Do think of me, my loved ones. Do not forget me while I waste away from boredom at home. I will be reading lots of books and welcome any suggestions.
I love you all, and if I do not survive, please tell the world how much I loved cats. Please start a cat charity in my name.
Thanks.
Do think of me, my loved ones. Do not forget me while I waste away from boredom at home. I will be reading lots of books and welcome any suggestions.
I love you all, and if I do not survive, please tell the world how much I loved cats. Please start a cat charity in my name.
Thanks.
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| At least the hospital is literally in one of the prettiest parts of Portland. |
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| Graphic of the panc. It's probably the ugliest organ in the body. |
08 March 2013
In honor of Emily:
There is not anyone like you in the world. I mean that. Emily, I miss you tons. There is no one else who makes me laugh like you do. In honor of you, I thought I would share the assortment of Richard Armitage memes we made. Remember this? Because I do. And I still cannot stop laughing about them.
09 February 2013
Obsessions are more fun than homework:
Okay, so it's been awhile. I guess life has been so fluid lately that I haven't developed a lot of new rants, but I can update you on my current obsessions. Ladies and gentlemen, the list of the week:
1. Doing whatever I can to look like Zooey Deschanel. She is my style, fashion, hair, everything icon. Bottom line, you're beautiful and I want all your clothes. Hats off to the What Would Zooey Wear blog for satisfying my daily obsession with her New Girl outfits: http://wwzdw.com/.
2. The Anthropologie sale section. They added 300 new items last week. I probably shouldn't be giving this away because then all you short, skinny girls will take all the size 2 petites.
3. Moose tracks ice cream. Is there really anything to say about this except that if I was presented with a bowl of this ice cream or Jude Law to make out with, I might choose the ice cream? It tastes that heavenly.
4. The Civil Wars. Makes me want to put on a Scarlett O'Hara curtain dress and prance around the grounds of a plantation house in the South. Anyone for a trip to Georgia? Plus, they're husband and wife duo; it's adorable.
1. Doing whatever I can to look like Zooey Deschanel. She is my style, fashion, hair, everything icon. Bottom line, you're beautiful and I want all your clothes. Hats off to the What Would Zooey Wear blog for satisfying my daily obsession with her New Girl outfits: http://wwzdw.com/.
2. The Anthropologie sale section. They added 300 new items last week. I probably shouldn't be giving this away because then all you short, skinny girls will take all the size 2 petites.
3. Moose tracks ice cream. Is there really anything to say about this except that if I was presented with a bowl of this ice cream or Jude Law to make out with, I might choose the ice cream? It tastes that heavenly.
26 October 2012
Weekly Update:
Number of midterms next week: 5 (deathly)
Number of trips to the gym this week: 0 (very bad)
Number of chocolate bars this week: 3 (improvement)
Number of TV shows watched: 2
Number of nights in the library: 0 (unproductive)
Number of positive thoughts: 15
Number of stressed out, negative thoughts: 294
Number of phone calls to my mom: 2 (better)
Number of hours of sleep: 39 (excellent)
Number of trips to the gym this week: 0 (very bad)
Number of chocolate bars this week: 3 (improvement)
Number of TV shows watched: 2
Number of nights in the library: 0 (unproductive)
Number of positive thoughts: 15
Number of stressed out, negative thoughts: 294
Number of phone calls to my mom: 2 (better)
Number of hours of sleep: 39 (excellent)
25 October 2012
To my best friend:
Yesterday, I dropped off my best friend at the Missionary Training Center in Provo. For the next eighteen months, we will be completely separated. No contact, no snuggle seshes, no late night phone calls, no ridiculous text messages that make me laugh uncontrollably during class, no facebook spamming. There only thing we have is hand written letters. I guess I shouldn't complain because 1) she's serving the Lord, and 2) boys serve for twenty-four months. And yet, as I watched her walk into that building, I felt like a piece of me went in with her.
Emily, you have been my best friend for ten years. Okay, minus that time in ninth grade when we didn't speak for two months. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but it ended with us calling each other and laughing for hours about the ridiculousness of it all. Sure we have other friends, other really close and amazing friends, but there is no one quite like you in my life. You are the only one who really understands me, the only one who I can be completely my self around--or the craziest, weirdest version of myself--the only one who I don't care if I cry in front of, the only person who makes me laugh so hard I want to cry or pee, or both, the only one who I can watch BBC dramas with for hours and hours, the only one who I talk about boys, love, sex and not worry about judgment. We have so many great memories from the past years and there are so many more memories in store for us in the future. Here's to seventy more years of jaw-droppingly magnificent friendship.
You are going to be the best missionary this world has ever known. It's hard for me to be apart from you, but I know that you are having the time of your life. You have a gift for communication and an overwhelming love for people. People are naturally drawn to you. That gift--the gift of empathy and love and passion for people--will be one of your greatest assets on your mission. Your decision to serve a mission is going to help so many people. All I can say is you're going to do great things and even though I'm going to miss you every day, I am so proud of you. God speed, dearie!
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