Hopeless Hopes and Dreams:

Is it okay if my future house looks something like this? Okay, thanks.

Now You See It, Now You Don't:

Remember that festering tumor on my pancreas that I gave up school, an awesome job, a Spring/Summer internship in NYC, a social life, and my sanity in order to come home and have surgery to get it removed? Yeah well, apparently it's gone. (If you're new to this, I wrote a little recap below. It's not your fault if you don't know. I don't really tell people.) I had a MRI last week and all signs point to the tumor/growth/cyst thing deciding to disappear. Which is great and all. I mean, I am really happy that I don't have to go through the 10-12 hour surgery where they have to take organs out of my body in order to reach the pancreas, spend 3-4 weeks in the hospital recovering, followed by 6-8 weeks of nearly bedridden time at home. That was going to be awful. I wasn't looking forward to it. However, more than anything I was looking forward to the saga being over. It was going to be a great relief when spring came around and I could put this behind me; I wasn't going to have worry about it anymore. Now I will have another MRI and biopsy in six months and then a MRI every year for the next five years, just to make sure it's really gone and doesn't make a triumphant return.

Right now, my surgery, which was scheduled for this Tuesday the 24th, is canceled. I will be having a biopsy next week just to double check that the tumor is really gone. I mean, my doctors have declared a miracle cure once before and were wrong, so I'm still holding my breath. I guess I shouldn't celebrate just yet. However, if it is gone, what the heck am I supposed to do now? I don't go back to school until the end of April... basically I'm stuck at home for no reason. I need a job. Honestly, I am willing to take a job anywhere. I don't even want to stay in Vancouver/Camas. There is nothing keeping me here now. Not to mention, the singles' ward here sucks. I have no friends here, besides my mom and my cat. I feel like I need to get out of here and find a job in a new city or I will go crazy. If anyone knows of anything, let me know!

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been saying prayers on my behalf. Prayer works! My mom has been telling me for months that she's been praying that the tumor will disappear, I guess she's been living right, or something. Thank you for all your support and love. And thanks to my grandpa who gave me a blessing right before I came home, that probably helped a lot too. Oh, and thanks to my doctors. I have met some really awesome people during this time. Dr. Yuan, you're bomb. And Dr. Meitz, if you weren't like 20 years older than me and married, I'd totally want to have your children. Dr. Lundbland, I really like your hippie hair. And Dr. Sheppard, you're the best surgeon I could have asked for.

I do want to reinforce that there is a possibility that the pathologists will find something again when I have the biopsy next week. If that's the case, then I have written this long, explanatory post for nothing. However, I wanted y'all to know what's happening. My parents tell me that I'm really bad at keeping people informed. I will let you know as soon as I know.

The pancreas is the ugly, yellow, bumpy one. See how difficult it is to get to?

Medical saga recap:
This is the blurb version. Summer 2010, my mom took me to the ER because I had been throwing up for like 6 hours straight and having intense abdominal pain, after my mom stopped thinking that it was just cramps, she got really worried and thought I was going to die from dehydration. She wanted to get an IV in me, so we went to the ER. Well, I was in the hospital for 3 days where they ran a lot of tests. They love those things. I found out two things 1) the throwing up/nausea/pain problem I was having at the time was caused by some bleeding in my stomach (random), 2) when they did a CT scan, they found a growth on my pancreas. Here's where it gets tricky. I won't bore you with the details of the back and forth diagnoses, but over the next year, I saw many different doctors and had many more tests. They couldn't agree for a long time, until this fall when they all came to a consensus that it was a pseudo papillary tumor. Even Sloan-Kettering and Harvard Medical School agreed! We all felt pretty confident about this. Pseudo papillary tumors are most common among women 18-45 (check), although usually seen on the latter end of the scale. They also have like a 15-20% of turning into cancer and since pancreatic cancer is like super scary and you basically die, the tumor had to come out. So I planned to take off winter semester from school and get this thing taken care of. Which is where we are now.

For once I liked Relief Society:

For me, Relief Society is hit or miss. Especially in YSA wards. I know that other girls my age complain about how they don't like Relief Society in their home wards because they're with all the "old women." Yeah, I don't get that. The lessons given be these "old women" are 100 times better than the lessons given by teachers in my BYU wards. They have more experiences to share, they have better insight to give, they spend more time preparing because they care just a little bit more, and they don't spend Saturday night out with their boyfriend until 2 AM and then present their lesson half asleep and in a love-drunk state. I like my home ward Relief Society, 9 times out of 10 I actually get something out of the lessons, compared to like 2 out of 10 in YSA wards. However, yesterday I went with my sister to her YSA ward in Seattle and the lesson was very good. It was lesson one in the George Albert Smith manual about his personal creed that he wrote for his life. Let me tell you, George Albert Smith was bomb. Maybe it's irreverent to called a deceased prophet of the Church bomb, but he totally was. I mean, his goatee, come on it's awesome. Anyways, the teacher had us write down our own personal creed about traits we want to be known for and remembered for.

When I am gone, I want to be remembered for:

1. Always accepting others and never judging their mistakes or flaws.
2. Always being honest.
3. Being an inspiration for good in others.
4. Being kind and loving.
5. Recognizing those in need of a friend or a service and being that friend or providing that service.
6. Having unfailing conviction and integrity and never being ashamed of the gospel of Christ.
7. Surrounding myself with people smarter and more capable than myself, especially when I am in positions of power -- to never let pride confine or cripple me.
8. Being strong in the face of trials, thus having unwavering trust in God.
9. Being a scholar of the scriptures.
10. Being happy.

I am very far from achieving most of these goals. They are ideals and I have a lifetime to perfect them.

Fitz and the Tantrums: Breakin' The Chains of Love

Good song, I've been playing it on repeat, but I regret watching the video. From now on when I listen to this, all I am going to see are his weird, two-toned bangs flapping around. Should have gotten actors, people.

Finding Joy in the Journey:

I went to see a good friend of mine the other day. She is a mother of seven and one of the strongest people I know. I admire her in so many ways, especially for her constant, persistent optimism. Some people may fault her for her optimism, but I perpetually praise her for her unfailing strength to endure. At the same time, however powerful and persevering she may be does not mean that she did not have her moments of complaint; moments when she murmured and questioned "Why me?" to Heavenly Father. I felt the same way. I used be frustrated with God too, and would protest the nearly insurmountable trials after trials she was facing. "C'mon, really, Heavenly Father?," I would say, "Does she really need this? Her life isn't a 'hills' course on a treadmill, she's a good person, a good member of the Church, a good mother, give her a break."

I say that she "did" have her moments because when I visited her last week she related to me her goal to quit complaining. She decided over a month ago to put whining aside. She decided to not even think complaints or criticisms, let alone say them. The result has been miraculous, she said. She has a whole new "come what may, and love it" (thanks, Joseph B. Wirthlin) attitude and it has made a world of difference. The nearly insurmountable trials you face seem a little more surmountable when you don't constantly remind yourself how steep the climb is and how rocky the terrain looks. There is no point to whining. Whining doesn't ease the process. Whining doesn't quicken the recovery. Whining doesn't lighten the burden. If anything, whining may slow the solution if it alienates the people who would otherwise be inclined to help you. Even if you're optimistic and you know it will eventually be over, even if you know that there is a lesson to be learned and growth to be obtained, and even if you know there will be a beautiful view and a sunrise at the top, it does not excuse the grumbling along the way.

As I lay in bed at noon today, not sleeping, but just laying there feeling sorry for myself and hating my existence, I remembered what she told me. I remembered her description of the change she felt. There is no use in murmuring, but there is use in trying to be happy and finding joy in the journey. This is my new goal. It is only January, if I feel like I cannot handle this now then I don't know what state I'll be in by March if I don't try to conquer the depression now. Therefore, you will not hear, "I'm soooo bored" or "Ugh, I miss my friends, I want to go back to school!" from me again. And by "you," I mean my mom, since she is the only person I talk to daily.

The Daily Universe:

I totally forgot about being interviewed for this article in BYU's daily newspaper and then it donned on me today! I feel slightly awesome to be quoted. I only hope this isn't my Warhol 15 minutes. That would suck.

http://universe.byu.edu/index.php/2011/11/18/students-learn-diplomacy-through-model-un/

Hello friend,

I'll be seeing you and your ultra expressive eyes tomorrow night.

The "M" Word:

Just because I say I don't believe in marriage doesn't mean that I don't believe in marriage. And it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes spend late nights looking up wedding dresses or diamond rings for way longer than is healthy. And it doesn't mean that I don't have a secret folder on my computer full of photos and documents about my perfect wedding. It doesn't mean that I'm not a girl with girly hopes and dreams. However, it does mean that it is not a priority right now. I'm barely 20, I still have about 20 child bearing years left, I am in no rush. I don't need a man and a ring on my finger to feel like a successful Mormon woman. That being said, if/when I get married, I'm wearing this:

My Perfect Life:

I wrote this one day during a particularly insignificant day in D&C. Inspired by Lauren.

1. We will live in an English manor in the countryside.
2. I will marry a tall, dark, handsome man who has a good job and makes lots of money.
3. If England doesn't work out, then I will live in the Pacific Northwest, New England, or Northern California.
4. I will work for the Church International Office in London... or the CIA.
5. I will attend graduate school or law school on the East Coast, preferably New York City.
6. We will travel to France as often as we can.
7. We will have four children and they will have nice, classy names that were not originally surnames, are not made up, and are spelled completely normal. Names from the Bible are always good.
8. Everything I wear will be from Anthropologie.
9. Most things in my house will be from Anthropologie.
10. My house will have lots of pretty things that won't necessarily be coordinated. I will not decorate in the cliche "Mormon family" way, ex. there will not be life slogans or scriptures in stick-on letters on my walls.
11. My house will have a library full of history books and classic literature.
12. We will have lots of parties with good family friends and great food cooked by me.
13. My husband and I will have hot, steamy sex all the time, and it will never become boring.
14. Our family will have Saturday morning chores with loud, obnoxious music.
15. Our family will have "our row" in church.
16. My kids will be forced to participate in sports.
17. I will have a pearl and diamond engagement ring.
18. I will make my boys wear three-piece suits to church for as long as they will let me.
19. My husband and I will be wealthy and important and attend formal parties and charity events where I will have to wear a fancy dress and he will have to wear a tux.
20. We will take our family on many trips to the beach.
21. We will go on couple vacations and leave our children with our parents.
22. We will take advantage of any opportunity to live overseas.
23. We will have two cats that will stay indoors and one big dog that will stay outdoors.
24. I will take a ridiculous amount of photos and have a million photo albums.
25. We will send our kids to private schools where they have to wear uniforms.
26. I will never get fat.
27. We will have funky Christmas traditions that our kids will roll their eyes about, but secretly love.
28. We will get married in the Portland temple in the summer.
29. We will live happily ever after.

You Know You're Back in Portland When:

1. The airport toilets have a water conserving flush option.
2. Every man ages 20 to 35 has either scruff or a beard.
3. Every other car on the highway is a Subaru.
4. Every other Subaru is mud splattered and the driver thinks it's bad***.
5. It's been three days, and you still haven't seen the sun.
6. The flannel shirt section of H&M is completely picked over.
7. People downtown ask you to sign a petition to legalize marijuana.
8. It's raining outside, but no one is carrying an umbrella or seems to care.

Welcome back to the PNW.